America, the Country Club

For the last year or so, on the basis of many topics, I’ve begun to regard America as the finest country club in the world. Consider it the “Indian Hill” of the globe.

Truthfully, the America Country Club has all you can ask for. Sure, other clubs have a lot to offer, but not the glorious commodities at the extensive rate club-members enjoy. Our club has the finest pools, attractions, and wooded areas one could imagine. Our staff maintains the roads, lawns, and most amenities. We only have one catch here at the America Country Club, you must pay membership fees. Compared to other clubs, our fees are considerably lower for the freedoms you can enjoy.

Joining the America Country Club is easy. Simply submit an application and our Board of Directors will review it for safety and security purposes. Our rival clubs claim the process is too lengthy, but consider what you receive for the wait and effort:

Lifetime membership
On-demand access to our 24-hour on-site nurse
Access to our free snack-bar
Free financial aid (some restrictions apply)
A say on our Board of Directors and election of our Club Director
Enforced gate security
Your children, grandchildren, and generations to follow are granted full access without entrance fee

Joining the America Country Club grants you all these luxuries and more! All you have to do is submit the form and pay the entry fee. Can’t afford the entry fee? Just let our Board know of your dire situation and we may consider bringing you in to alleviate your poor situation in your current club.

However, lately, there have been some people who want to be part of the club but don’t want to pay the entrance fee. Late at night, they will sneak over the fence behind the pool house and consider themselves permanent guests of the club. We have caught a few eating at our nightly buffet and some even apply for our free financial aid. For some reason, they have blended in with the legitimate club members and some have even come to accept the gate-jumpers as America Country Club members, even though they have not paid the entrance fee nor membership fees.

The America Country Club should take a very firm position on the illegitimate club members. Just because they have snuck by our premise security and consider themselves full members does not mean they are. If you dress up like a bear long enough, that doesn’t make you a bear.

Members who sympathize or hire illegitimate America Country Club members to fetch them martinis should realize that our membership rates will rise if these gate-jumpers continue to claim membership.

Perhaps the best solution to this problem is reliant on club members. We will need more gate security guards to watch for jumpers. Most will need to be positioned by the pool house. The other part of the solution calls for club members to stop paying Paco to rub lotion on their backs while tanning. If you are interested in a rub-down, we have many people on staff willing to help out. If someone breaks this rule, your membership will still be valid, but your monthly fee will rise considerably until you cease such practices.

The America Country Club is the best country club because of all the luxuries it offers for such a nominal cost. Allowing non-members to come in without going through the process is placing a burden on those who will continue to enjoy our members-only freedoms for generations to come.