Consider Me A "Born-Again Global Warmist"

Last week, Pat Robertson of the 700 Club finally gave credence to Global Warming. After much research and reading, I myself have converted from a disbeliever to a born-again Global Warmist. Below is an open letter to Global Warming explaining my conversion.

Dear Global Warming,

I would first like to apologize for spending the last few years not believing in you. My, how I was wrong. Please forgive me in my ignorance. It takes so much faith to believe in you, and I have finally found the arrogance to believe that I, as a Republican-voting conservative, have helped create you to destroy the earth.

My conversion came last week in Baghdad when I stepped outside to walk to the chow hall. The thermometer said 115 degrees. The news reports coming from the states said that a heat wave was taking its devastating course across the Midwest. Temperatures there were reaching 105 degrees. I pondered on the subject and thought I might be a little off. So, I began reading a little about you.

It came as a shock when I learned that you had spent some time up north melting ice caps and increasing the sea level around New York City, Louisiana, and Florida. It wasn’t until a few years ago that you snuck into the U.S. on a shipping container through the Dubai-managed ports. Now, you send waves of heat and death across our great nation. Rumors are also going around that you are planning to increase the Earth’s temperature by 5 degrees per year until Americans begin voting for Democrats.

It wasn’t always like this, as I’m sure you know. Your arch nemesis, Global Cooling, was all the rage in the 1970’s. Time Magazine reported that another Ice Age was around the corner because of pollution, smog, and Republican voting. Though, that didn’t last too long because since then, new science has come out that reflects a new liberal agenda – which I support. That crazy Time article laid out some “facts” that the “telltale signs [of Global Cooling were] everywhere.” They obviously weren’t ahead of the times (no pun intended, your Holiness) because just 32 years later, they appropriately blamed you. Come to find out, Global Cooling was just made up. You, however, are real – and now I believe.

Because I know you truly exist, I must now seek to destroy you. You have ravaged our planet, creating hurricanes, tornadoes, high temperatures, and melting icecaps. My plan to end your reign of terror is simple. I will begin by voting for Democrats, because none of their campaign funds come from oil companies – the most evil, profit-grabbing capitalists in the world. With Democrats in office, as opposed to Republicans, taxes will increase to fund new research for progressive fuels that don’t rely on burning oil to plunder our planet. They will also forbid more deities like you to sneak in through Bush-approved ports. My next step will be to forget all of the other science that doubts your existence. It takes a tremendous amount of faith to believe that you exist and that I have helped create you. Ignoring the junk science helps keep my head focused directly on you and your doubtless destruction. Finally, I will tell everyone I know to read Al Gore’s book An Inconvenient Truth. The great work of nonfiction is to Global Warming as the “Bible” is to Christianity.

Please take mercy on the nonbelievers because they have yet to be smitten by your outrageously high temperatures and yellow armpit stains.

Your truest believer,

Rich Vos