President Bush's War on the Underbrush

Pulled from the Washington Post-Times-Tribune:

CRAWFORD, Texas - President Bush donned his cowboy hat for the holiday season and headed down to the Western Whitehouse to command his War on the Underbrush. He said, "It is essential to the War on Terror."

When asked how he's dealing with the war, Bush told reporters, "It's a difficult job, but we must stay the course. If we give up now, weeds will conquer the ground while Poison Ivy, Oak, and Sumac will bring continuous attacks on the trees."

Critics say the War on the Underbrush is a distraction from the real war and was a mistake to begin with. The original reason Bush went to war in Crawford was to find a pocketwatch his dad lost twelve years ago. The intelligence was obviously flawed and has now morphed into a bigger war than supporters could have imagined.

An ABC-CBS-USA Today poll shows support for the War on the Underbrush slipping. Last year, 65% supported the war. Today, only 45% of Americans feel that the War on the Underbrush is worth fighting. In response to the polls, the Secretary of Ranch Defense commented, "If this country was run by polls, this country would be lead by Ashton Kutcher." To that proposal, Sen. Harry Reid blasted back, "Ashton's a better leader than Bush could ever be. I mean, have you seen that show 'Punk'd'"?

As of the first of the year, over 30,000 bushes have been destroyed and 20 animals killed as a result of the war.

Anti-War activist Cindy Sheeman has staged a protest outside the Western Whitehouse that gains support by the hour. The twelve activists, surrounded by hundreds of media cameras, plea for Bush to end his War on the Underbrush and come up with an exit strategy. Their idea - "PULL OUT NOW!" Ranchers say it's sad the president got us into Crawford, but it would be too damaging to get out now. Rancher Jim Hatfield said in a Texas twang, "If we get out of the Underbrush now, it would send a message to the rest of the world that we're weak and yella."

President Bush doesn't plan to hold a press conference concerning the War on the Underbrush for the next four months.