New Years Resolutions

It's the begining of a new year and many will abandon their plans for self-improvement within the next few weeks. Here are some resolutions I'm making and hoping not to discard like Tom Cruise does rational thought.

I will:
- spend more time driving the speed limit in the "fast lane."
- hum Europe's "Final Countdown" where others can hear it.
- not hold back farts in public areas (especially elevators).
- spit out my chewing gum next to car doors.
- take a full shopping cart through the "12 Items or Less" lane.
- correct people who wear their hats crooked.
- fix the collars of guys who have them "popped."
- answer my cell phone at the movie theater.
- speak loud enough on a cell phone so others know I'm important.
- correct people's grammar.
- convert people to Scientology.