The Sun's Hot Air

The radical group NASA (National Alliance of Scientific Amateurs) has provided a new explanation for global warming: The Sun. The group famous for its unstable employees who take long road trips in diapers to kidnap and murder women says that "direct measurements of light energy emitted by the sun, taken by satellites and other modern scientific techniques, suggest variations in the sun's activity influence Earth's long-term climate."

Their "science" comes from researching an 850 year-year period around the Nile river, measuring the Earth's temperature and water levels precisely marked by the Pharaohs. Their results suggest: "variations in the sun's ultraviolet energy cause adjustments in a climate pattern called the northern Annular Mode, which affects climate in the atmosphere of the Northern Hemisphere during the winter. At sea level, this mode becomes the North Atlantic Oscillation, a large-scale seesaw in atmospheric mass that affects how air circulates over the Atlantic Ocean. During periods of high solar activity, the North Atlantic Oscillation's influence extends to the Indian Ocean. These adjustments may affect the distribution of air temperatures, which subsequently influence air circulation and rainfall at the Nile River's sources in eastern equatorial Africa. When solar activity is high, conditions are drier, and when it is low, conditions are wetter."

These overpaid Trekkies have some help from other researchers who found, in 1997, that solar radiation reaching the Earth was . 036 percent warmer than 11 years prior. This would increase the planet's temperature by 3.6 degrees over the next century. And who do you suspect was feeding us this hot air? The National Center for Atmospheric Research - a registered member of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.

Even the star-hating media has hopped in bed with these kooks. BBC reports that the Sun is "at its most active for 300 years" and its effect "could be a more significant cause of global warming than the emissions of greenhouse gasses that are most often blamed." The Washington Times looks to Swiss and German scientists to rationalize their use of evil combustible engines. "The sun has been at its strongest over the past 60 years," the sun alarmists shouted between sips of Kool-Aid, which may be the cause of an enormous spike (.36 degrees Fahrenheit) over the past 20 years.

OK. I'm all for theories, but this is getting ridiculous. How could a ball of fire 93 million miles away effect the temperature of our globe? Some even say that the global warming on Mars is not a result of our greenhouse gasses. Tell me this, when did we find out Mars was warming? When we put a invaded the Martian planet and stuck a man-made robot on its surface. Coincidence? I think not. Humans - and most importantly Americans, are responsible for an increase in temperature, no matter how many of these space-junkies come forward with new evidence to the contrary.

I've been doing my damnest to support an increase in the Earth's temperature; I leave lights on in the house, support two wars that use ozone-killing gas-guzzling vehicles, and fuel planes that may get people to meetings on time but add significantly to the amount of carbon in the atmosphere. I even start up my car ten minutes before I go to work ... in the summertime! My reason: I hate the cold. Not only do my fingers not function well when they're frozen, but I hear lots of homeless die in our big cities because they sleep in parks. Also, I care about the world's poor. With an increase in temperature, more farmland would become available in more northern areas, providing more space to grow corn, potatoes, and raise cattle for the world to eat. Most importantly, I hate the cold. Why do you think I go to the Caribbean for vacation instead of Canada?

Thankfully, we had an Internet creator, former president and movie star testify in front of Congress that these Sun theories are nonsense. "The planet has a fever," Al Gore said, "If your baby has a fever, you go to the doctor. If the doctor says, 'You have to intervene here' you say, 'Well I read a science fiction novel [see material above] that says this isn't important.' If the crib's on fire, you don't speculate that the baby is flame-retardant." The image may be funny, but he is deadly serious. To combat a burning crib, the private-jet frequent flier suggests: an immediate freeze on greenhouse gas emissions, a ban on incandescent light bulbs, and a tax on carbon pollution. (And Democrats said they weren't going to raise taxes.)

With Gore and Co. leading the way, we can finally put to rest these bunk theories such as sun temperature and cyclical climate change and place the blame squarely where it needs to be - us. Because when crops are growing, I'm performing better at my job, and enjoying a beer on the warm Canadian beach, the Sun shouldn't get any of the credit. I am one of the many that are causing global warming and it will be a cold day in Pittsburgh before anyone can steal what I've worked so hard to accomplish.